There's something going on. There's something missing from my life. Is it that I am confused about my sexuality? Is it that I want a child & a family? Or do I just want to finally find a career that I enjoy?

So many big questions to answers & I just don't know where to start.

I feel like I need to quit work. I'm finding it difficult to cope with the shame of most of them knowing too much; for crying; having minor panic attacks & falling asleep in the office. For failing so completely at something.

I don't know where my place is. Where do I fit in? I feel lost & trapped at the same time. Every thought, every decision, every comment, I over-analyse to the point where I make a good thing seem bad - I convince myself I do everything for selfish reasons.

At the same time, I despise myself for being just the same as everyone else. I'm just the same.

I am only just beginning to realise that there are a whole world of things that you can only fully understand, once you've been through them yourself - insomnia being one of them.

Pressure behind my eyes feels like it's forcing my eyelids open. It's frustrating and boring and I just know that at about 10/11am, I'm going to feel awful and not cope well. I feel horribly clear right at this moment - it's the kind of clarity I've been hoping to have during the day.

It's 5.50am - I don't think there's much point in trying to go to sleep now - if I did, I'd only have to get up in 2 hours and feel shitty. I might as well have a shower and go in now - at least I can get away at 3pm. And, to think, I was worried about oversleeping!

How silly is this - I called the samaritans an hour ago - as I told 'Simon' it was my first time, I could hear him thinking "that's what they all say". My half hour call ended up making me feel guilty for not feeling suicidal - Simon and I discussed the fact that I realistically could be blocking the lines for someone who is suicidal. I don't think I could handle more death on my conscience. Hmm - interesting thought. How stupid is it that I feel guilty for talking to someone who specifically volunteers to be talked to?

Beautiful caffeine will be my friend for today.

This is a poem I wrote a few years back. It describes very well how I felt and often still feel about myself: Un-me.

Tired and lonely,
seeking a hideaway.
What I’d give to be
the better version of me
that is Her.

Grace, elegance, poise -
None of which I possess
haunt me to a state of despair,
the noises under the glare
of the lack of attention.

I’m in control?
Or maybe I’m not?
The drug I use to regulate
hurts with the daily hate
of a lack of will power.

I’m sorry I’m not who I am –
Who I want to be.
Which is anyone other than
Nice, calm, reliable and above all,
Good old me.

As I seem to be emerging from my haze of depression, I can start to finally see my illness clearly. Now that I am taking medication, it begins to feel like a tangible problem to tackle. My family have finally been able to start putting it out in the open, able to tell other family members what I have been (inadvertantly) putting them through for the last 8 years.

8 years. That's a long time to have felt this way. To hate oneself so completely that I have actually felt that I have deserved to go through self-harm; starvation; bullimia; an overdose & an abortion.

I cannot let this continue. With my increased vulnerability to pre&post-natal depression and even just bog-standard depression, I cannot let myself feel this way again. I do deserve more than this - and this is exactly what I am beginning to realise.

I can't do this. Everything I've done is going wrong or has problems. I can't concentrate, I can't even see properly. My relationship really seems to be suffering, as Dan is having his own problems - we can't seem to support each other at the moment - I desperately need him to be strong, but he's too tired to deal with me. I want to be there for him and cheer him up with all his money & job issues, but I haven't got the energy myself. I'm scared.

I want to go home. I want to just pick up my stuff and leave.

I'm not coping. Hanging on by a very thin thread. I can't let go, it'll ruin everything. I feel like i'm standing on the edge of cliff - off of which is hanging my job; my relationship & my sanity. I could quite easily stop. Let go. But I can't. Too much shame. I can't seem to make myself do any of the things that have helped in the past. I feel like I'm constantly at odds with Dan. He doesn't understand and can't understand because I can't find the words to explain it to him. The more I worry and get upset, the worse it seems to make things.

I'm getting more and more anxious about work tomorrow - I don't want to make a fool of myself in front of my colleagues, but i can't cope. I can't do the work as well as I want to. I haven't finished the do&mi development and they're going to be calling me tomorrow about my progress. I lied to Ruth and said that it was nearly done, hoping that it would be by the time I returned to work, but I haven't been able to get it finished - everytime I tried to, the server was down.

The suicidal thoughts have come back and I want them to go away. I need to see the doctor sooner than Friday - maybe I can get some kind of earlier, emergency appointment?

Everything's going to shit and I can't seem to stop it from sliding - I can't keep hold this time. I've tried everything else and drugs are my final option.I don't want to do anything stupid, but I'm scared of what I'm capable of. I want Dan to instinctively know how to help - tell me he loves me unprompted; maybe try and find more out about depression in order to help support me. But i'm being unreasonable. He can't read my mind. He's being as supportive as he knows how to be.

The logical part of my brain talks quieter and quieter. I can't hear anymore what to do to get out of this hole. I'm wasting my life. I want so so much to be fun and happy and somebody that everyone wants to be around, but I'm just not. Miserable stupid bitch who has nothing better to do than bitch and moan.

I can't stop crying. I cried most of the night last night. I kept waking up. I go to bed every night, hoping that I'll magically feel better in the morning. If I think forward to the possibility of a temporary recovery, I just feel tired. I haven't got the energy anymore to call my friends and tell that I'm alright again. Most of them won't have even known that I haven't been alright.

Why is it always such a battle to remain on an even keel? It often feels like my brain is structured 80% emotional and only 20% logical. The logical part is the one to be listened to. It is the part that reminds me that I am worthwhile and special; that I have friends who love me; that I am a good and fair person. The emotional shouts all of the names of the people whom I am no longer friends with; of all of the mistakes I have made; of all of the things I could do better, be better.

I know which I want to ignore, but it shouts loud, day after day. I want to stop feeling sorry for myself and get on with my life, before it passes before my eyes in a blur of unecessary self-hatred, but I'm starting to think that maybe it's not all my fault - it's not that I'm weak & pitiful. Would it be too hard to believe that it is, in fact, a chemical imbalance? Or is that too self-absorbed of me to just be looking for an easy way out? Taking drugs could be so much easier than fighting the emotional side every day.

I have, in my minds eye, a picture of the kind of person I want to be. To be honest; noble; trustworthy; selfless - especially selfless. But the emotional side makes it hard for me to be those things to, as I get so tied up in who's paying me attention, who's done wrong by me, how I've suffered (all self-inflicted of course).

I don't think that 2007 should specifically be about making a "new start". It's about continuing to try to be that "better person" - or maybe even that's wrong - maybe it about learning to accept wholly who I am - the good and the bad. Controlling the mood swings in a way that allows me to hold on to my logical side. To not keep striving to be a better person all of the time, to just have fun being the person I am and doing my best by everyone around me (but only those who deserve it).

Calm, happy, love Dan - feel like my heart is going to explode sometimes.

:o)