I'm not coping. Hanging on by a very thin thread. I can't let go, it'll ruin everything. I feel like i'm standing on the edge of cliff - off of which is hanging my job; my relationship & my sanity. I could quite easily stop. Let go. But I can't. Too much shame. I can't seem to make myself do any of the things that have helped in the past. I feel like I'm constantly at odds with Dan. He doesn't understand and can't understand because I can't find the words to explain it to him. The more I worry and get upset, the worse it seems to make things.

I'm getting more and more anxious about work tomorrow - I don't want to make a fool of myself in front of my colleagues, but i can't cope. I can't do the work as well as I want to. I haven't finished the do&mi development and they're going to be calling me tomorrow about my progress. I lied to Ruth and said that it was nearly done, hoping that it would be by the time I returned to work, but I haven't been able to get it finished - everytime I tried to, the server was down.

The suicidal thoughts have come back and I want them to go away. I need to see the doctor sooner than Friday - maybe I can get some kind of earlier, emergency appointment?

Everything's going to shit and I can't seem to stop it from sliding - I can't keep hold this time. I've tried everything else and drugs are my final option.I don't want to do anything stupid, but I'm scared of what I'm capable of. I want Dan to instinctively know how to help - tell me he loves me unprompted; maybe try and find more out about depression in order to help support me. But i'm being unreasonable. He can't read my mind. He's being as supportive as he knows how to be.

The logical part of my brain talks quieter and quieter. I can't hear anymore what to do to get out of this hole. I'm wasting my life. I want so so much to be fun and happy and somebody that everyone wants to be around, but I'm just not. Miserable stupid bitch who has nothing better to do than bitch and moan.

I can't stop crying. I cried most of the night last night. I kept waking up. I go to bed every night, hoping that I'll magically feel better in the morning. If I think forward to the possibility of a temporary recovery, I just feel tired. I haven't got the energy anymore to call my friends and tell that I'm alright again. Most of them won't have even known that I haven't been alright.