I can't do this. Everything I've done is going wrong or has problems. I can't concentrate, I can't even see properly. My relationship really seems to be suffering, as Dan is having his own problems - we can't seem to support each other at the moment - I desperately need him to be strong, but he's too tired to deal with me. I want to be there for him and cheer him up with all his money & job issues, but I haven't got the energy myself. I'm scared.

I want to go home. I want to just pick up my stuff and leave.

I'm not coping. Hanging on by a very thin thread. I can't let go, it'll ruin everything. I feel like i'm standing on the edge of cliff - off of which is hanging my job; my relationship & my sanity. I could quite easily stop. Let go. But I can't. Too much shame. I can't seem to make myself do any of the things that have helped in the past. I feel like I'm constantly at odds with Dan. He doesn't understand and can't understand because I can't find the words to explain it to him. The more I worry and get upset, the worse it seems to make things.

I'm getting more and more anxious about work tomorrow - I don't want to make a fool of myself in front of my colleagues, but i can't cope. I can't do the work as well as I want to. I haven't finished the do&mi development and they're going to be calling me tomorrow about my progress. I lied to Ruth and said that it was nearly done, hoping that it would be by the time I returned to work, but I haven't been able to get it finished - everytime I tried to, the server was down.

The suicidal thoughts have come back and I want them to go away. I need to see the doctor sooner than Friday - maybe I can get some kind of earlier, emergency appointment?

Everything's going to shit and I can't seem to stop it from sliding - I can't keep hold this time. I've tried everything else and drugs are my final option.I don't want to do anything stupid, but I'm scared of what I'm capable of. I want Dan to instinctively know how to help - tell me he loves me unprompted; maybe try and find more out about depression in order to help support me. But i'm being unreasonable. He can't read my mind. He's being as supportive as he knows how to be.

The logical part of my brain talks quieter and quieter. I can't hear anymore what to do to get out of this hole. I'm wasting my life. I want so so much to be fun and happy and somebody that everyone wants to be around, but I'm just not. Miserable stupid bitch who has nothing better to do than bitch and moan.

I can't stop crying. I cried most of the night last night. I kept waking up. I go to bed every night, hoping that I'll magically feel better in the morning. If I think forward to the possibility of a temporary recovery, I just feel tired. I haven't got the energy anymore to call my friends and tell that I'm alright again. Most of them won't have even known that I haven't been alright.

Why is it always such a battle to remain on an even keel? It often feels like my brain is structured 80% emotional and only 20% logical. The logical part is the one to be listened to. It is the part that reminds me that I am worthwhile and special; that I have friends who love me; that I am a good and fair person. The emotional shouts all of the names of the people whom I am no longer friends with; of all of the mistakes I have made; of all of the things I could do better, be better.

I know which I want to ignore, but it shouts loud, day after day. I want to stop feeling sorry for myself and get on with my life, before it passes before my eyes in a blur of unecessary self-hatred, but I'm starting to think that maybe it's not all my fault - it's not that I'm weak & pitiful. Would it be too hard to believe that it is, in fact, a chemical imbalance? Or is that too self-absorbed of me to just be looking for an easy way out? Taking drugs could be so much easier than fighting the emotional side every day.

I have, in my minds eye, a picture of the kind of person I want to be. To be honest; noble; trustworthy; selfless - especially selfless. But the emotional side makes it hard for me to be those things to, as I get so tied up in who's paying me attention, who's done wrong by me, how I've suffered (all self-inflicted of course).

I don't think that 2007 should specifically be about making a "new start". It's about continuing to try to be that "better person" - or maybe even that's wrong - maybe it about learning to accept wholly who I am - the good and the bad. Controlling the mood swings in a way that allows me to hold on to my logical side. To not keep striving to be a better person all of the time, to just have fun being the person I am and doing my best by everyone around me (but only those who deserve it).

Calm, happy, love Dan - feel like my heart is going to explode sometimes.

:o)

What am i doing? I feel like I'm doing everything wrong - I can't make anyone happy.

I keep messing things up, wrecking friendships. I feel like I've had to cross so many names off my friend list this year - it's ridiculous: Richard, Gav, Roon, Dave, Sarah, Jen, Kev - but then again, how good friends were they?
I've started to question everything I do - the way I act, the way I am with people. I obviously need to get a hold of this flirting thing, but then how should I behave? I just don't know anymore.

I'm really, really nervous. I've lost track of my damn period again and I've been sleeping with Dan. I feel shaky and my heart is racing. I can't remember what date my period is due.

I don't know how to take my mind off it. I keep trying to visualise my period starting, so that I can find some kind of temporary peace, but the idea of having to go through it all again (for even less of a reason than before) keeps circling my head. I feel so sick. What the f*ck am I going to do? Such a mess; so many secrets and f*ck-ups. So scared. Such a f*cking idiot......oh dear god, what if I'm pregnant again? - I couldn't bear it.

The new Keane album "Under the Iron Sea" is amazing.

Was filled with an overwhelming sense of calm last night. Walked to the De Lara Way playground and sat on the swings for ages. Made me feel like a kid again. Just felt completely free and happy. I want to hold onto this feeling.

Got my tongue pierced yesterday. It's nice to have something to look after again, back to the old days.

Roon returned on Sunday. It was good to see him, but I suddenly don't feel free again - I can't stop thinking about being close to him. I crave the physical contact, not the sex, as I originally thought.

I feel really low today - I can't seem to make myself do any exercise - I was going to cycle over to Guildford to go swimming, but instead I'll compromise and bike over there - so that at least I get a little exercise (it should kick-start my body into feeling better about myself again)

Gav is also currently online - I'm both resisting the urge to talk to him & at the same time am trying not to wonder why he hasn't started to talk to me. I know that the right thing to do would be to delete him from my list of friends on messenger. So that's what I shall do..now...or maybe in a minute. Good. Done. That was quite hard, but it's done.

I'm going to go and grab my stuff and go swimming and feel good about myself.

I returned from Zermatt, Switzerland on Wednesday and moved house yesterday. I am now back with the folks, holed up in the spare bedroom - my haven of relative minimalism, compared to the rest of the house. Mine and Chris's stuff fill the rooms from floor to ceiling. He leaves for Greece on Monday. I'm going to miss him like crazy.

Sally called me yesterday. I felt a little indignant. I don't want to think about that stuff anymore - want to forget and get on with the rest of my life. It's not going to take over - the sooner I forget the better.

I have decided that Gavin and I are no longer friends. I have nothing left to say to him. We've been on & off for 4 years now and I've finally realised that I wouldn't let even my worst enemies treat me like he does, let alone somebody who calls themself my friend. I have so far managed to resist contacting him. I want nothing more to do with him. It's a liberating, but also scary feeling. This is the first time I have been completely alone, with no safety net, for 4 years. I'll be fine.

I finally feel like 'me' again this afternoon. Spending a small fortune on my hair has made me feel really good. The best thing was having a man wash my hair. The girls tend to be far too gentle. Antonio was firm. Felt so relaxed and happy - it's the most physical contact I've had in months & I think that alone would have improved my mood.

Alex, the hairdresser, flirted with me & gave me his number. It was good to feel attractive again, after so long feeling androgenous.

I'm happy to discover I don't feel like Sally. I made the right choice. I don't regret it. It has actually made me realise some important things....Mainly, that I Definately want to become a mother - obviously in the right circumstances next time. So i guess that means I do want the whole package. I just need to lighten up and not think that everyone is going to find me boring - what's boring is worrying about pointless things like that.

I definately still need to spend a lot longer on my own - I need time to get rid of various demons; overcome trust issues and start to feel happy on my own.

I feel free, I'm so lucky. Once I get rid of the bad thoughts, I've got so much emotional intelligence to use to my advantage. I have a lot of love to give. I need to go back to how I was when I met Colin. Not jaded by all of the (was going to say 'failed') recent relationships. Learn from them, yes, but don't go into everything expecting to be let down - I just need to be more certain before I jump into physical stuff. No more 1 night stands; lying; cheating. The less contact/relationships/sex I have, the better they will be next time.

Work & Play

I'm counting down the days until my holiday :o) I've also only got 7.5 working days left in my current temping role - woohoo!...although, they keep trying to get me to stay on! I like the idea of spending May in a well-paid nightwork role much, much better.

As my body starts to feel more normal again, I feel I am able to better recognise the positives which have come out of this whole situation. I now know that I really want to become a mother, within the right set of circumstances; I can sympathise with other women who have been through this; I will be much more careful from now on. I have learnt a lot.

I think I passed the pregnancy last night. The cramps set in and I didn't move from the sofa all evening.

A shop full of empty, naked mannequins is a strange sight.

Wants

I made a trip over to 'Snow & Rock' last night. With my up-and-coming ski holiday, I've been wanting a new jacket. I don't need one, I just wanted to spend money I don't have on a new one.

Anyway, I walked into the store to find a selection of pink and also patterned monstrosities and was relieved to find that there was actually nothing I was lusting after. Phew, said my credit card.

Road Rage

I was a victim of Road Rage last night. Granted, I did inadvertantly cut up Mr 'Porsche Driver with Small D**k', but it was accidental... He didn't see it that way and trailed me until he got his chance to overtake dangerously and 'teach me a lesson'. My blood boiled - I think I get angry because I'm scared - obviously, as a motorbike rider, I would lose a fight with a car....
Thankfully, he wasn't going the same way as me, so I didn't get a chance to do anything silly! Another close call......

I walked into work again this morning. It's a 6 mile round trip. I ache all over from walking in yesterday combined with the fact that my body is still attempting to cope with the horrible 'medication' I took over the weekend.

I have begun a process of reinvention. I spent a small fortune yesterday on 2 (yes, 2) pairs of new shoes....(oh but they are lovely) I've booked a hair appointment; I'm planning a clothes-shopping trip and I'm trying to increase my daily level of exercise. My brain seems to be holding my credit cards to ransom:

"The girl gets it, unless you buy lots of things and spend lots of money on your appearance"

It's all just distractions - spending money is a distraction from boredom/pain/guilt, but it's not a solution to my problems.

I want to rebrand myself. In an attempt to distance myself from all of my mistakes I desperately want to be different - looking different is the quick-fix. Maybe if I look better I'll have more confidence and my self-esteem may return to its normal level? I know it doesn't work like that, but it's worth trying surely?

L "Morning. What did you get up to the weekend?"
H "Oh, you know, the usual, I had an abortion"

I wonder how she'd have reacted if I'd actually said that out loud and not just listened to it repeating inside my head.

Not one of my better weekends. Filled with cramps and pain, bleeding and guilt. I slept for most of Saturday.

Sunday was Mother's Day. The irony was not lost on me. I felt bereft. As I hugged my own mum, I felt so scared of losing her.

I'd never realised that this whole situation would throw up such a strong emotional response. Sadness at the fact that I wanted my first pregnancy to be a happy occasion. Intense shame regarding the circumstances. Terrified that this would be the one & only time I would find myself pregnant and that I would never truly become a mother. Surprise at the fact that I immediately thought of the embryo as a child. Selfish fear of the termination procedure itself. So many questions and fears circling.

My brother knows. I told the person I thought was the father. I have since found out otherwise. I have also approached a local group for counselling - I think I'm going to need it. No one else knows. I'm too ashamed to tell any of my friends - I haven't spoken to any of them for weeks now. I have retracted from the world, just about able to present a front of jollity at work.....but at the same time, feeling guilty everytime I think or feel happy about something else.