Why is it always such a battle to remain on an even keel? It often feels like my brain is structured 80% emotional and only 20% logical. The logical part is the one to be listened to. It is the part that reminds me that I am worthwhile and special; that I have friends who love me; that I am a good and fair person. The emotional shouts all of the names of the people whom I am no longer friends with; of all of the mistakes I have made; of all of the things I could do better, be better.

I know which I want to ignore, but it shouts loud, day after day. I want to stop feeling sorry for myself and get on with my life, before it passes before my eyes in a blur of unecessary self-hatred, but I'm starting to think that maybe it's not all my fault - it's not that I'm weak & pitiful. Would it be too hard to believe that it is, in fact, a chemical imbalance? Or is that too self-absorbed of me to just be looking for an easy way out? Taking drugs could be so much easier than fighting the emotional side every day.

I have, in my minds eye, a picture of the kind of person I want to be. To be honest; noble; trustworthy; selfless - especially selfless. But the emotional side makes it hard for me to be those things to, as I get so tied up in who's paying me attention, who's done wrong by me, how I've suffered (all self-inflicted of course).

I don't think that 2007 should specifically be about making a "new start". It's about continuing to try to be that "better person" - or maybe even that's wrong - maybe it about learning to accept wholly who I am - the good and the bad. Controlling the mood swings in a way that allows me to hold on to my logical side. To not keep striving to be a better person all of the time, to just have fun being the person I am and doing my best by everyone around me (but only those who deserve it).