Work & Play

I'm counting down the days until my holiday :o) I've also only got 7.5 working days left in my current temping role - woohoo!...although, they keep trying to get me to stay on! I like the idea of spending May in a well-paid nightwork role much, much better.

As my body starts to feel more normal again, I feel I am able to better recognise the positives which have come out of this whole situation. I now know that I really want to become a mother, within the right set of circumstances; I can sympathise with other women who have been through this; I will be much more careful from now on. I have learnt a lot.

I think I passed the pregnancy last night. The cramps set in and I didn't move from the sofa all evening.

A shop full of empty, naked mannequins is a strange sight.

Wants

I made a trip over to 'Snow & Rock' last night. With my up-and-coming ski holiday, I've been wanting a new jacket. I don't need one, I just wanted to spend money I don't have on a new one.

Anyway, I walked into the store to find a selection of pink and also patterned monstrosities and was relieved to find that there was actually nothing I was lusting after. Phew, said my credit card.

Road Rage

I was a victim of Road Rage last night. Granted, I did inadvertantly cut up Mr 'Porsche Driver with Small D**k', but it was accidental... He didn't see it that way and trailed me until he got his chance to overtake dangerously and 'teach me a lesson'. My blood boiled - I think I get angry because I'm scared - obviously, as a motorbike rider, I would lose a fight with a car....
Thankfully, he wasn't going the same way as me, so I didn't get a chance to do anything silly! Another close call......

I walked into work again this morning. It's a 6 mile round trip. I ache all over from walking in yesterday combined with the fact that my body is still attempting to cope with the horrible 'medication' I took over the weekend.

I have begun a process of reinvention. I spent a small fortune yesterday on 2 (yes, 2) pairs of new shoes....(oh but they are lovely) I've booked a hair appointment; I'm planning a clothes-shopping trip and I'm trying to increase my daily level of exercise. My brain seems to be holding my credit cards to ransom:

"The girl gets it, unless you buy lots of things and spend lots of money on your appearance"

It's all just distractions - spending money is a distraction from boredom/pain/guilt, but it's not a solution to my problems.

I want to rebrand myself. In an attempt to distance myself from all of my mistakes I desperately want to be different - looking different is the quick-fix. Maybe if I look better I'll have more confidence and my self-esteem may return to its normal level? I know it doesn't work like that, but it's worth trying surely?

L "Morning. What did you get up to the weekend?"
H "Oh, you know, the usual, I had an abortion"

I wonder how she'd have reacted if I'd actually said that out loud and not just listened to it repeating inside my head.

Not one of my better weekends. Filled with cramps and pain, bleeding and guilt. I slept for most of Saturday.

Sunday was Mother's Day. The irony was not lost on me. I felt bereft. As I hugged my own mum, I felt so scared of losing her.

I'd never realised that this whole situation would throw up such a strong emotional response. Sadness at the fact that I wanted my first pregnancy to be a happy occasion. Intense shame regarding the circumstances. Terrified that this would be the one & only time I would find myself pregnant and that I would never truly become a mother. Surprise at the fact that I immediately thought of the embryo as a child. Selfish fear of the termination procedure itself. So many questions and fears circling.

My brother knows. I told the person I thought was the father. I have since found out otherwise. I have also approached a local group for counselling - I think I'm going to need it. No one else knows. I'm too ashamed to tell any of my friends - I haven't spoken to any of them for weeks now. I have retracted from the world, just about able to present a front of jollity at work.....but at the same time, feeling guilty everytime I think or feel happy about something else.