I returned from Zermatt, Switzerland on Wednesday and moved house yesterday. I am now back with the folks, holed up in the spare bedroom - my haven of relative minimalism, compared to the rest of the house. Mine and Chris's stuff fill the rooms from floor to ceiling. He leaves for Greece on Monday. I'm going to miss him like crazy.

Sally called me yesterday. I felt a little indignant. I don't want to think about that stuff anymore - want to forget and get on with the rest of my life. It's not going to take over - the sooner I forget the better.

I have decided that Gavin and I are no longer friends. I have nothing left to say to him. We've been on & off for 4 years now and I've finally realised that I wouldn't let even my worst enemies treat me like he does, let alone somebody who calls themself my friend. I have so far managed to resist contacting him. I want nothing more to do with him. It's a liberating, but also scary feeling. This is the first time I have been completely alone, with no safety net, for 4 years. I'll be fine.

I finally feel like 'me' again this afternoon. Spending a small fortune on my hair has made me feel really good. The best thing was having a man wash my hair. The girls tend to be far too gentle. Antonio was firm. Felt so relaxed and happy - it's the most physical contact I've had in months & I think that alone would have improved my mood.

Alex, the hairdresser, flirted with me & gave me his number. It was good to feel attractive again, after so long feeling androgenous.

I'm happy to discover I don't feel like Sally. I made the right choice. I don't regret it. It has actually made me realise some important things....Mainly, that I Definately want to become a mother - obviously in the right circumstances next time. So i guess that means I do want the whole package. I just need to lighten up and not think that everyone is going to find me boring - what's boring is worrying about pointless things like that.

I definately still need to spend a lot longer on my own - I need time to get rid of various demons; overcome trust issues and start to feel happy on my own.

I feel free, I'm so lucky. Once I get rid of the bad thoughts, I've got so much emotional intelligence to use to my advantage. I have a lot of love to give. I need to go back to how I was when I met Colin. Not jaded by all of the (was going to say 'failed') recent relationships. Learn from them, yes, but don't go into everything expecting to be let down - I just need to be more certain before I jump into physical stuff. No more 1 night stands; lying; cheating. The less contact/relationships/sex I have, the better they will be next time.