I am only just beginning to realise that there are a whole world of things that you can only fully understand, once you've been through them yourself - insomnia being one of them.

Pressure behind my eyes feels like it's forcing my eyelids open. It's frustrating and boring and I just know that at about 10/11am, I'm going to feel awful and not cope well. I feel horribly clear right at this moment - it's the kind of clarity I've been hoping to have during the day.

It's 5.50am - I don't think there's much point in trying to go to sleep now - if I did, I'd only have to get up in 2 hours and feel shitty. I might as well have a shower and go in now - at least I can get away at 3pm. And, to think, I was worried about oversleeping!

How silly is this - I called the samaritans an hour ago - as I told 'Simon' it was my first time, I could hear him thinking "that's what they all say". My half hour call ended up making me feel guilty for not feeling suicidal - Simon and I discussed the fact that I realistically could be blocking the lines for someone who is suicidal. I don't think I could handle more death on my conscience. Hmm - interesting thought. How stupid is it that I feel guilty for talking to someone who specifically volunteers to be talked to?

Beautiful caffeine will be my friend for today.