L "Morning. What did you get up to the weekend?"
H "Oh, you know, the usual, I had an abortion"

I wonder how she'd have reacted if I'd actually said that out loud and not just listened to it repeating inside my head.

Not one of my better weekends. Filled with cramps and pain, bleeding and guilt. I slept for most of Saturday.

Sunday was Mother's Day. The irony was not lost on me. I felt bereft. As I hugged my own mum, I felt so scared of losing her.

I'd never realised that this whole situation would throw up such a strong emotional response. Sadness at the fact that I wanted my first pregnancy to be a happy occasion. Intense shame regarding the circumstances. Terrified that this would be the one & only time I would find myself pregnant and that I would never truly become a mother. Surprise at the fact that I immediately thought of the embryo as a child. Selfish fear of the termination procedure itself. So many questions and fears circling.

My brother knows. I told the person I thought was the father. I have since found out otherwise. I have also approached a local group for counselling - I think I'm going to need it. No one else knows. I'm too ashamed to tell any of my friends - I haven't spoken to any of them for weeks now. I have retracted from the world, just about able to present a front of jollity at work.....but at the same time, feeling guilty everytime I think or feel happy about something else.